Please, Please Pee For me

Posted: November 23, 2013 in creative writing, Everyday Life
Tags: , ,

I go to the doctor next week to have the Ol’ kidney stone checked out. I call it Ol’ because we found it a year or so ago but it was too small to worry about. But the Doc wanted to see me in a year to see if it moved or grew or whatever kidney stones do. I think I passed it a couple of months ago. Surely you heard the screams, didn’t you? It went from a low-pitched “what is that?” to a high-pitched “Holy Shit! what the F—!”. Unfortunately my doctor didn’t hear me either and needs more proof, the scientific kind. The kind measured in X-rays not decibels.

UmbrellaIt’s always interesting going to the Urologist, or should I say going for the Urologist. They give you a little cup that is 1/3 of the size of the capacity of my wife’s bladder. Really, why don’t they give us a full-sized jug?! It all starts innocent enough filling the little cup but soon I realize that the cup will over flow and I have to seal off or divert around it. It’s always messy. And they give you those little square hand wipes. I’m never sure what to do with them. They don’t want you to wash your hands in the sink? Or are you supposed to wipe the cup off with it? Looks like they shouldn’t handle it if they don’t want to get their hands dirty. An itty-bitty square hand wipe, ha! This time to go with that tiny cocktail napkin I think I will put one of those little umbrellas in that tiny sample cup before I open that itty-bitty door and slide it to the lab.

I try to wait all morning to go so my bashful kidney phobia won’t take over and I have to stand many minutes at the urinal that seem like hours to start the flow. In years past I couldn’t ring the bell at all and had to return the sample cup empty. Red faced I was invited back to the water fountain and coffee pot to take on more fluids and wait. So to avoid that, I hold it for hours before the appointment. Last year with an already full bladder, I made it to the waiting room but really had to go. Now! I tried to find the nurse or someone with an empty cup but couldn’t so I ran to the restroom ignoring all of the “do not pee before the appointment” signs for some relief. Again my relief could be measured in decibels with the loud sighing ”Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh” that my wife says could be heard all over the waiting room. I was told by the receptionist that even the patients in  the Audiologists waiting room next door could hear me.

The height of the exam will not be the volume of the liquid in the cup or it’s color. The high point will be when the Doc pops on the rubber gloves and says turn around and drop the Under Armours. That’s what I always wear to these appointments, thinking that they might protect me from this. He says he’s checking the size of my prostate but I swear by the way that finger searches he thinks some of those little kidney stones are hiding up there and he’s trying to chase them out.

So please think of me Monday morning at 08:00 AM. And listen closely. No matter where you are you will either hear a loud shriek of pain as a stone passes, a relieved “Ahhhhhhhhhhh” as the pee passes or a “WoWzza WoWzza” as the rubber glove passes.

Such is the life of John

“Some things in life ya just do without thinking too much about it. Whether ya like it or not ya just set your mind to it and do what ya got to do.”  DistantShipSmoke

  1. I hear that passing a kidney stone is so so SO painful! 😦
    I WILL be thinking of you on Monday morn!
    Why don’t you see if the Doc will at least buy you breakfast before he “Amours” you! 😀 😉
    Let us know how you go…er…how it goes…
    HUGS!!! 🙂


    • I have to admit to you that I wrote this quite awhile ago. And it all turned out just fine. It was passed when I thought it was. I didn’t have the nerve to take the umbrella with me. But after the “probe” and at the end of the visit I remembered it was Valentine’s Day. The Doc is a good friend of mine so when I left I wished him Happy Valentine’s and gave him a smiling wink. ;D. We both burst out laughing. lol


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