Road Etiquette

Posted: January 12, 2014 in Everyday Life, Uncategorized
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During the years of my decades old life, I have learned that it’s best if sometimes you just have nothing to say. But sometimes you say something and you wish you hadn’t. Then again, sometimes you have something to say and you don’t and you wish you had. Seldom and on a very few occasions you say something and you are glad you did. Usually those are on the days you don’t give a shit. The day of the speeding ticket I didn’t give a shit.

I was stopped for speeding the other day. It was on a county paved road. In our state, county paved roads can have any number of speed limits. I have yet to figure the system out. Usually it is 55 or 65. I usually travel 65. Unfortunately the other day that was too fast.

Let me clarify something. In Kansas, you always drive 5 mph over the speed limit. The speed34county and state troopers and deputies give you 5 miles per hour. Our Interstate highways have a limit of 75 mph, but you can go 80, ..wink. So in reality I was going 70 mph on that county paved road. But I assumed wrong, the speed limit on the road was actually 55. So I was really 15 mph over the speed limit. You don’t have to know anything about evolution, how old the earth is or whether it is round or flat in this state but you do need to know highway math, … well simple addition and subtraction anyway.

I get stopped usually once every couple of years. They, the law officers, always ask the same questions. Sometimes the officers are nice and respectful. Sometimes they are having a day where they don’t give a shit.

The day of my speeding, the officer didn’t give a shit either. Bad combination.

On a good day the conversation goes like this:

“Do you know what the speed limit is on this road?”

“Yes Officer I do, it’s 65 mph.”

“Do you know how fast you were going?” They already know how fast you were going, no reason to pretend you don’t know this one.

“Well yes officer, I looked at my speedometer and I couldn’t believe it, I was going 70 mph, I’m sorry officer, I don’t know what I was thinking, dawg gone it! Gee whiz, I’m sorry!”

“Well I guess I’ll just give you a warning this time.”

That’s on a real good day. But on some of those good days the Officer, for reasons I don’t understand, doesn’t care how much you know and he gives you a ticket anyway. I got one a few months earlier for only five over. That pissed me off. He made a serious breach of the Kansas Driver / Policeman Highway Etiquette.

Sonsofbitches2So the other day when I was stopped, I didn’t really give a shit. I thought I’d try a different approach. The conversation went like this after the county deputy drove out from behind some bushes he was hiding in, tagging me with his RADAR and then chased me down.

“Holy Smoke! DO YOU KNOW what the speed limit is on this ROAD?” He was yelling, I could tell, I was going to get a ticket.

Remember I don’t give a shit here. I say “Nope! No fuckin idea.”

“Weeell! Do you know how fast you were going?” He was a little red in the face by now.

“No Officer, no idea at all, but I’ll bet you are going to tell me.” Very straight-faced.

His forehead was a little redder now, he tries to speak but he screeches a little at first, ” eeeee…Well you are not giving me any choice, you don’t know the speed limit, you don’t know how fast you were going, I’ll have to give you a ticket!”.

“Yeah! Whatever!” When I said that, I thought he was going to pull his gun.

He gave me a ticket, it cost me $160 for going 15 miles per hour over the speed limit. He threw the book at me you might say. When he left he said “Have a nice day.” I said “Ya sure I’ll do that.” He peels out spraying me with roadside gravel, leaving me in his dust.

He was right, in order to get just a warning, you have to know these things: know the speed limit and know how fast you were going. But he left out one important thing, that is, you have to convince him you are sorry. Well I don’t know if it’s sorry or not but you at least have to kiss his ass and pretend you like him.

Remember those three things and if you both follow proper road etiquette, you’ll probably only get that warning.

That day I said something and I’m glad I did. And I still don’t give a shit.


  1. Oh my!
    Well, I’ve learned something here.
    And I must add, “E”, that although I’ve deserved to get speeding tickets, I’ve never gotten one. 🙂
    HUGS!!! and be safe!!! 🙂
    PS…I have several friends who are in law enforcement. They’ve told me some very interesting stories of speeders!


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