Preventive Colon Care

Posted: December 18, 2014 in creative writing
Tags: , , ,

colonWell, it was that time of year again. Time for the colonoscopy. I can’t say too much about the procedure, I was anesthetized, but it was a blast working up to it.

I started the “prep” for this yesterday. They said the preparation was so much better now than it was the last time I had one a few years ago. Of course, I could not eat all day, but they said you just take a few pills now and there is nothing to it. So much better that drinking the one gallon jug of Go-litey that I had to use last time. Now you take a first pill with just a swallow of water. They say nothing that 30 minutes later you overdose yourself with 4 tablets of a strong laxative called MaxLax which equals 4 daily doses. And then chase them with a 16oz bottle of water immediately. Try drinking a full bottle of water very quickly.  Just think water-boarding, we have all heard of that this week.

Next you are told to mix 238 Mg of another laxative powder into 2 liters of your favorite clear beverage. Those not familiar with the metric system that rounds out to what looks like about a five-pound bag and 2 liters equals out to what looks like about five gallons. That’s a lot of favorite beverage. My advice, don’t use your favorite beverage, because it will never be your favorite again.

You are made to drink this concoction of 8 ounces every 10 to 15 minutes, that equals out to what very soon looks like about a liter every 15 minutes. It seems that much anyway, I’m not too familiar with the metric system.

Then the action begins. They say nothing in the instructions about needing a seat belt on the toilet, if I’d known I would have had one installed. Because you will very soon be blasting out 20 liters of liquid during each stool every 15 minutes. Drink 8 more ounces and blast out another 20 liters. I’m telling you, NASA should use this stuff. That is really a magic powder you are mixing with that Gator Ade, it can turn 8 ounces of fluid into 20 liters of butt squirt. I think that’s right, I’m not familiar with the metric system. It might just be 20 quarts.

You do that for about two and half hours. They call it a “prep”. It should at least be capitalized “PREP!” with an exclamation point. As in the missile count down “5-4-3-2-1 Ignition! PREP!”

Now that you have drunk all 27 gallons of the NASA formulated Gator Ade, you continue blasting off of the toilet every 15 or 20 minutes.  Then the nausea sets in, I frankly blasted off and then passed out twice. Boom! To the floor – out cold. The only good thing about it was the needed rest and moaning I did while laying on our bathroom’s white porcelain floor tile and hugging the cool porcelain toilet while straddling the side of the cool porcelain bathtub with my shorts still dropped around both ankles, literally cooling my balls, driving the proverbial porcelain bus. Porcelain is another magical product. It can cool the human body temperature 20 degrees F in 5 minutes. I think that would be anywhere from 4 to 37 degrees Celsius, I’m not sure, all of these medical measurements are confusing converting from the metric system.

Finally sleep —–  with a wad of toilet paper up my ass.

This morning I was at the surgery center early and met Katie and Lindsay, the anesthesiologist and the nurse that would be assisting the doctor. Katie was a very beautiful girl. As she was administering the anesthetic, I could only stare at her and imagine that if I didn’t make it through this, at least the last thing I saw in this life would be her beautiful face. That is the last thing I remember except for a few lucid moments during the procedure. I remember hearing Katie and Lindsey laughing and Katie saying “He is waking early, another 2 cc’s doctor?” And Lindsey saying “No not yet, I want to hear what else he will say about you!”. And Katie saying “Man! What an asshole!”

I don’t know what 2 cc’s are, I’m not familiar with the metric system but I think Katie liked my ass!

Such is the life of John.

  1. I had my first colonoscopy last year…I hated the prep part… 😦 but, afterwards, they said I had the colon of a twenty year old! They said I don’t need another one for 10 years! Woot Woo! 😀 The person who went as my designated driver (as I was loopy afterwards) said I asked the doc, “How soon can I have sex? Tonight?” I honestly don’t remember asking that. 😮 Doesn’t sound like me, does it?! 😉 😛
    HA! Best post I’ve read in a long time! I love the way you wrote it! 😀 You made a colonoscopy funny! (Yes, I snorted!) 😀 Everyone over 50 should be given this post to read before they get a colonoscopy! 🙂 Give them something to laugh about before they butt squirt their innards out! 😀
    Glad you have that over with now! 🙂
    Gingerbread-HUGS!!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • 😀 I wish all of my parts were still operating like a twenty year old’s like yours 😛 Wowza! a 10 year reprieve!! 🙂 I’ve been having them every 3 to 5 years for about 20 years. I have family members who have a history so the Doc watches me like a hawk. They say one year before the procedure, right before I passed out, I asked him if I would still be able to play the piano afterward. 😀 The next time I had one the Doc said he found something unusual and the Lab or he didn’t know what it was, He said “I guess it may be one of those things we may never know until after the autopsy.” :\ Really! He sort a was laughing, O.R. humor I guess. 😀 Proctologist are known for their sense of humor. 🙂

      A colonoscopy is just one of those degrading things we’ve got to do every once in a while whether we like it or not, grit our teeth and just get it over with, we might as well laugh about it. 😀

      Glad you enjoyed this C, thanks! 🙂

      Egg-Nog Hugs to you!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. BTW: A proctologist would need to have a sense of humor…as they wouldn’t wanna’ be the butt of the jokes! 😉
    CandyCaneHUGS!!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Zakiah says:

    Glad you are up on that exam Michael. How are you dear friend. it’s good to see you again. Have a merry Christmas.


  4. ~ Sadie ~ says:

    John – you crack me up – great post!! I’ve done it twice – sucked both times.


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