Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

So, you want a few thoughts from me, OC ?  I really am the most colorful, I think, of this bunch that John allows to occupy his otherwise very empty mind, body and soul.

I’ve been having a lot of fun this year. As some of you know , I am more or less apolitical (E says that means non-political) and I don’t give a shit. But I will say this, President Trump is about the stupidest son-of-bitch that we’ve ever had as the leader of our country. I’m just telling you right up front how I feel. You see, I’m just telling you exactly how it is. I ain’t what you call wishy – washy. Some probably say that I am stupid for saying it that way. And you know what, so do I, but that’s just how I feel whether you agree or not, even if it isn’t true. I’m just telling you what I’m thinking right off the top of my head. Take it or leave it mother-fuckers.

Now before you get all burly and excited and threaten to beat me to a pulp for talking that way about your President, stop and think a minute! How I explained myself in that last paragraph is exactly what you stupid bastards said you liked about Trump.

You said “I like him because he tells it the way it is. He doesn’t mince words, he tells ya exactly what’s on his mind, right or wrong , whether you agree with him or not. I admire that about a man and a President”. If you love that about a man, you should love the hell out of me.

But truly, I gauge a man when I first meet him this one way and one way alone. And it is as simple as this, would I like working for a boss like him? Would he be an ass-hole to work for?

Come on you working stiffs out there that voted for him. How many bosses have you had that were like that ass-hole that you told to go fuck himself and you quit to find a better job? You voted for him as President? You need to wake up for Christ’s sake! He’s not going to do anything for you.

Shit, I could run for President.

Now, who brought the beer. Let’s have a drink and try to forget the mess you guys have made, then we’ll find that strip club a few blocks from here I want to check out.

OC

( I guess there isn’t much here that OC has said that I need to apologize for.  He just likes to tell it the way it is.    John)

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I approached a large green intersection sign and it said “Will Rogers Turnpike Next Right”. I have taken that tollway a few times and I have seen it on maps and I have just driven past it as I did last week. But I’ve never really thought about something. What I’ve never thought of but now seems so apparently ironic is this. Did the person that suggested Will Roger as the name for that tollway really know anything about him?

I have read a lot about Will Rogers and I have seen his films. His political satire is the best and very cutting. But he didn’t appear to give any politician a free ticket. Or a free pass or maybe you could call it a free toll ticket. He was the biggest promoter of a free public transportation system. But I now can’t help but think what Ol’ Will would have to say about having his name up in lights not at the movies theater but up in lights in the middle of a big 30 foot green tollway sign. And you may know some tollways in Oklahoma. You are stopped every 20 miles or so to pay another toll. Now I can’t help but think about how Mr. Rogers would be impatiently chewing his gum faster and faster searching for change before and after each one of those damn toll gates. Now that’s funny! I’m sure he would be writing about it in his daily newspaper columns.

Rest in peace Will, there are plenty of other things named after you, like airports. Oh my god! I never thought of that! What would he be writing about airports nowadays? Now that’s even funnier to imagine!

Such is the life of John

A Joke

Posted: March 17, 2016 in free verse, Humor, poem, poet, poetry
Tags:

I have nothin and I don’t have much time . But I do have a Bar joke, a groaner perhaps.

A Priest, Rabbi and a pirate with a parrot on his shoulder come walking into a bar.

As soon as they walk into the door the bartender says,

“Hey you guys get out of here! What are you trying to do….turn this place into a joke?”

Have a fun day!
DSS

( E’s yearly re-blog driven by a discomfited mind)

Well, we have gone through the motions once again. We have chased the elusive one hour of time, the daylight hour, the spring forward – fall back, the should be time . Does anyone really feel like we’ve gained or lost anything? Has it saved us anything? Do you think the people living on the eastern edge of your time zone benefited  as much as the people living on the western edge? Or do we just automatically join the common think and mindlessly move the clocks ahead for a few months and then move the damn things back for a few months each year not wondering if it makes any sense or not. Does anyone but me wonder about the futility of this exercise?

timewasteI really did sit down here to write about something more interesting but after a weekend like this I just can’t help myself. I have to rant for just a few minutes about daylight saving time.

I know it’s easy not to think about DST. Most clocks in this digital age move forward and back automatically on their own from their burnt in firmware.  I’m guessing all modern computer clocks, coffee pots, car radios, bed stand alarm clocks just change time without human intervention, mindlessly. Easy to do in the digital world, being mindless. But the last I heard and observed, the earth is still running pretty damn analog. I haven’t noticed it jerking and stopping each second going around its axis like the second hand on a digital Seiko. Or am I not drinking enough coffee?

Some say it saves energy, I guess we have used it as the hinge pin of our national energy policy. I have been acquainted with and worked with many engineers in the energy business and some that really are scientists and most agree that proving that DST saves energy is the most complicated algorithm to compute and solve. Some say it isn’t that complicated and it was proven years ago that it saves nothing.

Me, I don’t care how many parenthesis are in the frickin’ energy formula, all that I know is that twice a year millions of people, including myself have to drag our sorry working class asses into and out of bed one hour sooner or later each day totally screwing up our sleep cycle for a few weeks until we are acclimated to it. And there are quite a few thinking people like myself that continue to wonder why.

India, Japan and China I can estimate – billions of people – stopped the lunacy many years ago. It never made any sense to the thinking people of Arizona, Hawaii and the Virgin Islands. Many nations that once were on DST have now quit it.

Sorry Ben Franklin, I admire you very much but we aren’t just using candles anymore. We have air conditioning and central heat. We don’t necessarily sleep past dawn anymore. And we are spread across a lot bigger area than we were when we had 13 colonies basically along the east coast. You had 1 Time Zone, Eastern which wasn’t even thought of yet. I’m sure if you were still alive, you would be finding humor in this ritual also. Please come back and knock some sense back into us. They seem to respect your opinion.

I’m not going to list all of the pro and con claims for and against daylight saving time, there are unproven arguments on each side and frankly I hate arguing. But I knew it was a lost cause to speak against it when two things happened. The first was when they extended DST to November so candy manufactures would have more trick or treaters for Halloween, it seems more kids can participate if it stays daylight longer. The second event was when some of the countries of the world that are located on or near the equator started participating in the lunacy.

In the world of daylight saving time both of these reasons make perfect sense.

E.

( Read DistantShipSmoke’s About page to learn about E. )

That clown also smells like moth balls.
In my little town,
we had a little clown
that would appear
only once a year
for an annual event,
a carnival on the square,
Not only did he scare me well,
he had that moth ball smell!
He must have kept that clown suit
in a closet for all the year
So now when I smell mothballs,
I think of clown and beer.
I suspected that he played Santa, too

OC

This poem originated from a comment I made on The Muscleheaded Blog .

Since none other of John’s characters feel like contributing,  I will repost a few facts and thoughts about me, E, that were unknown until that time.

Saturday December 10, 2011

1) My pickup randomly does not start on the first turn of the key. Very unpredictable. It may start every time for a week and then out of nowhere it only clicks. I turn the ignition off and try again and it starts immediately. This makes me very insecure. I will be left stranded someday. Of course, it never fails to start for my mechanic.

2) I sometimes hear a humming in my house. No one else can or will ever hear it. It sounds like a fan running way far in the background. I can’t find where it is originating. Others are questioning my sanity.

3) I have a pain in my left lower abdomen. I have had multiple CT scans, x-rays and cardiac stress tests. No one can find or explain the cause. This makes me very insecure. I will be left stranded someday. Others question my sanity. If I had a tombstone and I won’t, it would say “told ya I was sick”.

4) I seldom go through fast food drive-through windows. On the few occasions that I have, randomly I get a sandwich with no meat patty in it. No one else that I talk to has ever had this happen. This makes stopping at a fast food place more interesting for me but it doesn’t entice me to go there more often.

5) I attract toddlers. When I fly commercially, I watch the door as passengers board, when a mother boards with one or more children I know exactly where they will be sitting. If the children are two or younger, directly beside me. If they are between the ages of three and seven, directly behind me so they have a comfortable place to kick their feet. This of course happens randomly, it makes that long walk down the aisle, mother, child and suitcase in tow, very suspenseful. This makes me very insecure.

6) In my experience of commercial flying I have sat next to three mothers nursing their infants. All at different times, of course. This makes me insecure, I worry where I should keep my eyes and I am amazed at how long it takes a small child to feed. But I feel that after the child goes to sleep the mother should remove the baby and button up. After a flight like that I question my own sanity.

7) I never change lines at the store check out counters. Every time, yes every time that I have changed to a shorter line, the customer ahead of me presents an out-of-town check, needs a refund or asks for a price check.

Somehow all of these unpredictable things as a whole give me a warm sense of knowledge, experience, calmness and insecurity. This I know.

E

I’m having less and less to say. With age comes sweet calmness and confidence. I’ve made my mark, the mark has been to only live to an older age each year, to get to a point where it is unnecessary to prove my worth.

From the time that I first retrieved an out of reach hammer for my father to save him a few steps, I was made aware of my worth. He said “Thank you Partner !”. Although I was four years old, I realized I was worthy to be on his job site. I was not just a kid stumbling over the two by fours, open trenches and avoiding backing cement trucks. I was now contributing to the effort. I was now the official tool, nail and board getter for the boss. His Go-fer! My first job! After work that afternoon, at a tavern that I can still recall the smell and the song playing on the juke-box, I received a Coke, a bag of peanuts and a thank you for my labor that day. Yes, I have literally worked for peanuts and I have worked for “Peanuts” pretty much every day since. Don’t we all? Like Pavlov’s dog, my mouth still waters at the sound of Patsy Cline, the smell of stale smoke and big bust bar maids. Basically, I’m still working for very similar rewards.

Oh, the peanuts do come in a much bigger bag now. I soon learned that my labor was worth more than just the memory of a smell, cold drink and a pretty song. But unfortunately the alarm clock each morning means time for work and at the sound of it my mouth stays a little dryer now. Most of my years since in order to get those rewards have involved government certifications, exams and yearly performance reviews. Just being there with the right tool at the right time hasn’t always been enough. Every year we are evaluated to prove our worth.

For more years than I care to count, I have worked. Perhaps since I was four years old, certainly since I was fourteen when I received my social security card and filled out my first 1040 tax form. There is now little reason for more certifications and I know the system well enough that a yearly performance review entails little more than copying last year’s, a phone call from the boss and if we are in the same city at the right time, a conversation over a nice meal. My days of having to prove my worth are coming to an end. Just performing my jobs well now will suffice.

I think I have finally reached my mark. It won’t be long that the Pavlov’s bell on the alarm clock will be put on snooze much more often. And the sound of it will really mean breakfast, the breakfasts that I have missed so many times in the past because my saliva was not anxious for bacon and eggs but for proving my worth at work. I’m almost there. But soon I will be getting back to gauging my worth by the chill of the Coke, the sound of the music and the pleasure of talking to beautiful big bust barmaids.

Such is the life of John.

Ok, how do I do it? I’ve been wide awake since 3:30AM. How do I get back to sleep?

I have never understood counting sheep. I try to think only good thoughts. But I do that all the time anyway. I may start thinking only bad thoughts, that may work. But I have enough nightmares that wake me up now. Although I don’t think that’s what woke me this morning.

Maybe I’m just not tired. But when I got up to pee, my joints and bones didn’t cooperate. I actually hobbled to the bathroom. I did not feel rested. Ok, now I remember, I woke up because I had to pee. That’s happening more and more lately. But I should be able to go back to sleep.

Damn, I wish for the old days when the only thing that woke me up was a boner.

Such is the life of John.

Well, another year begins. 2016, if this century could drive, it could get its driver’s license this year. It is at that awkward teenage time of life. Its male side is walking around with a perpetual boner and not really knowing what to do with it. And worst of all, centuries don’t have thumbs and can’t effectively do anything about it anyway. So we don’t know what kind of trouble it will be getting into compensating for either short coming. The female side of this teenage century feels like she is 21 and doesn’t understand that there are no older male centuries out there that she can relate to. She wants to move ahead and start acting like an adult, although she is not quite experienced enough to survive in it. Very frustrating century age for her to be. Tempers on both sides can flare!

As you can see, we living in this 21st century teenaged age are living in a very critical time. If either side of this 2016 age doesn’t get laid soon, we are going to be in a hell of a mess. Just look back through past century’s teenage years and it will scare the hell out of ya! Many cruel historical events happened in each century while in its teens.

So what’s it going to be, this 2016? Will our male side of the century continue blustering around overcompensating for its short dick by getting bigger guns, building for war and self-protection and pushing the downtrodden,  the poor and displaced. Or will it just calm down a bit, read some good books, learn how to drink, smoke a joint or maybe just get a magazine and grow some thumbs. Get rid of some of that testosterone. Chill for Christ’s sake! You are only 2016!

And the same for the 2016 teenage century girl side. Trust what your 20th century mother has told you. Your mind will grow into your lovely new 21st century body. The man side will soon see more in you than just sex. There is time for you to make a huge mark in the world. This will be your century. Just enjoy your youth and don’t try to grow up so fast. But learn to compete with the male and female assholes! You are only 2016!

I’m sorry I have to talk to you this way so early in the year, 2016. But it is a very critical age you are living and lots of people are depending on you. So take your old Uncle ShipSmoke’s advice, and try to play nice this year, calm down, take a breath. I’m getting old, my bones hurt and I need the rest. But try to shut the fuck up and enjoy your time here!

DSS

(Thanks DSS! , E or OC couldn’t have said this any better themselves.  John)

Seriously

Posted: October 19, 2015 in free verse, Humor, love, poem
Tags: ,

The other day I was walking along, minding my own business and came upon a small smooth stone.
A very interesting looking piece of agate
It felt like velvet to touch
Really!
It had to have been washed by millennia of running water
I couldn’t keep my fingers off of it
It seemed to sooth my soul as I felt it
All day I reached in my pocket and caressed that beautiful little stone
All through lunch I just stared at it
rolling it in my fingers
It seemed so out-of-place here in Kansas
surely it had a more romantic origin
I imagined it as being from a tropical island
I had heard of similar things being found
I decided to call my new prize possession
My little Hawaiian Love Stone
That evening I showed the Stone to my wife
and told her of its new name and soothing properties
She said “Yes, a Hawaiian Love Stone, you do know what they call them here in Kansas don’t you?”
“No, what?”
” A fucking rock”.

E.