Posts Tagged ‘doctor’s office’

In a Texas clinic hallway, an OBGYN doctor was heard saying, ” I finally discovered her problem! She has a Texan AND a Supreme Court Justice up her Uterus!!”.

Texas, again you are not making any sense. Telling people that asking you to wear a mask is stepping on your liberty but a total stranger, in another state, with no contact at all with a Texas woman, can bounty hunt her Texas vagina for $10,000? What kind of lawmakers do you have down there? Just askin’ ? They may be more backward than I ever thought. I’m from another state and normally I would not comment about what they do down there, but I guess they have now opened the door.

I love ya, but man!

E.

 

 

colonWell, it was that time of year again. Time for the colonoscopy. I can’t say too much about the procedure, I was anesthetized, but it was a blast working up to it.

I started the “prep” for this yesterday. They said the preparation was so much better now than it was the last time I had one a few years ago. Of course, I could not eat all day, but they said you just take a few pills now and there is nothing to it. So much better that drinking the one gallon jug of Go-litey that I had to use last time. Now you take a first pill with just a swallow of water. They say nothing that 30 minutes later you overdose yourself with 4 tablets of a strong laxative called MaxLax which equals 4 daily doses. And then chase them with a 16oz bottle of water immediately. Try drinking a full bottle of water very quickly.  Just think water-boarding, we have all heard of that this week.

Next you are told to mix 238 Mg of another laxative powder into 2 liters of your favorite clear beverage. Those not familiar with the metric system that rounds out to what looks like about a five-pound bag and 2 liters equals out to what looks like about five gallons. That’s a lot of favorite beverage. My advice, don’t use your favorite beverage, because it will never be your favorite again.

You are made to drink this concoction of 8 ounces every 10 to 15 minutes, that equals out to what very soon looks like about a liter every 15 minutes. It seems that much anyway, I’m not too familiar with the metric system.

Then the action begins. They say nothing in the instructions about needing a seat belt on the toilet, if I’d known I would have had one installed. Because you will very soon be blasting out 20 liters of liquid during each stool every 15 minutes. Drink 8 more ounces and blast out another 20 liters. I’m telling you, NASA should use this stuff. That is really a magic powder you are mixing with that Gator Ade, it can turn 8 ounces of fluid into 20 liters of butt squirt. I think that’s right, I’m not familiar with the metric system. It might just be 20 quarts.

You do that for about two and half hours. They call it a “prep”. It should at least be capitalized “PREP!” with an exclamation point. As in the missile count down “5-4-3-2-1 Ignition! PREP!”

Now that you have drunk all 27 gallons of the NASA formulated Gator Ade, you continue blasting off of the toilet every 15 or 20 minutes.  Then the nausea sets in, I frankly blasted off and then passed out twice. Boom! To the floor – out cold. The only good thing about it was the needed rest and moaning I did while laying on our bathroom’s white porcelain floor tile and hugging the cool porcelain toilet while straddling the side of the cool porcelain bathtub with my shorts still dropped around both ankles, literally cooling my balls, driving the proverbial porcelain bus. Porcelain is another magical product. It can cool the human body temperature 20 degrees F in 5 minutes. I think that would be anywhere from 4 to 37 degrees Celsius, I’m not sure, all of these medical measurements are confusing converting from the metric system.

Finally sleep —–  with a wad of toilet paper up my ass.

This morning I was at the surgery center early and met Katie and Lindsay, the anesthesiologist and the nurse that would be assisting the doctor. Katie was a very beautiful girl. As she was administering the anesthetic, I could only stare at her and imagine that if I didn’t make it through this, at least the last thing I saw in this life would be her beautiful face. That is the last thing I remember except for a few lucid moments during the procedure. I remember hearing Katie and Lindsey laughing and Katie saying “He is waking early, another 2 cc’s doctor?” And Lindsey saying “No not yet, I want to hear what else he will say about you!”. And Katie saying “Man! What an asshole!”

I don’t know what 2 cc’s are, I’m not familiar with the metric system but I think Katie liked my ass!

Such is the life of John.

I go to the doctor next week to have the Ol’ kidney stone checked out. I call it Ol’ because we found it a year or so ago but it was too small to worry about. But the Doc wanted to see me in a year to see if it moved or grew or whatever kidney stones do. I think I passed it a couple of months ago. Surely you heard the screams, didn’t you? It went from a low-pitched “what is that?” to a high-pitched “Holy Shit! what the F—!”. Unfortunately my doctor didn’t hear me either and needs more proof, the scientific kind. The kind measured in X-rays not decibels.

UmbrellaIt’s always interesting going to the Urologist, or should I say going for the Urologist. They give you a little cup that is 1/3 of the size of the capacity of my wife’s bladder. Really, why don’t they give us a full-sized jug?! It all starts innocent enough filling the little cup but soon I realize that the cup will over flow and I have to seal off or divert around it. It’s always messy. And they give you those little square hand wipes. I’m never sure what to do with them. They don’t want you to wash your hands in the sink? Or are you supposed to wipe the cup off with it? Looks like they shouldn’t handle it if they don’t want to get their hands dirty. An itty-bitty square hand wipe, ha! This time to go with that tiny cocktail napkin I think I will put one of those little umbrellas in that tiny sample cup before I open that itty-bitty door and slide it to the lab.

I try to wait all morning to go so my bashful kidney phobia won’t take over and I have to stand many minutes at the urinal that seem like hours to start the flow. In years past I couldn’t ring the bell at all and had to return the sample cup empty. Red faced I was invited back to the water fountain and coffee pot to take on more fluids and wait. So to avoid that, I hold it for hours before the appointment. Last year with an already full bladder, I made it to the waiting room but really had to go. Now! I tried to find the nurse or someone with an empty cup but couldn’t so I ran to the restroom ignoring all of the “do not pee before the appointment” signs for some relief. Again my relief could be measured in decibels with the loud sighing ”Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh” that my wife says could be heard all over the waiting room. I was told by the receptionist that even the patients in  the Audiologists waiting room next door could hear me.

The height of the exam will not be the volume of the liquid in the cup or it’s color. The high point will be when the Doc pops on the rubber gloves and says turn around and drop the Under Armours. That’s what I always wear to these appointments, thinking that they might protect me from this. He says he’s checking the size of my prostate but I swear by the way that finger searches he thinks some of those little kidney stones are hiding up there and he’s trying to chase them out.

So please think of me Monday morning at 08:00 AM. And listen closely. No matter where you are you will either hear a loud shriek of pain as a stone passes, a relieved “Ahhhhhhhhhhh” as the pee passes or a “WoWzza WoWzza” as the rubber glove passes.

Such is the life of John

“Some things in life ya just do without thinking too much about it. Whether ya like it or not ya just set your mind to it and do what ya got to do.”  DistantShipSmoke