Posts Tagged ‘humor’

I was walking down the street last Thursday
and a dog with bright white teeth and a big smile
approached me from the right.
He said he enjoyed walking with humans and asked if he could join me.
I, a man of great tolerance, said OK, glad to have ya!
We had walked only a block or two and he starts sniffing the street light poles and fire hydrants.
And with that big smile on his face he raises his leg and pisses on one of the posts.
Shocked…. I said, “look, that is very embarrassing to me, to be walking with you and then
having you do that. people will think you are my dog and blame me for messing up the sidewalk.
And how can you do that with such a big smile on your face?”

He said, “Smile on my face? I’m not smiling, dogs don’t smile! I have an urinary infection!” Then he gave me the finger!

OC

I approached a large green intersection sign and it said “Will Rogers Turnpike Next Right”. I have taken that tollway a few times and I have seen it on maps and I have just driven past it as I did last week. But I’ve never really thought about something. What I’ve never thought of but now seems so apparently ironic is this. Did the person that suggested Will Roger as the name for that tollway really know anything about him?

I have read a lot about Will Rogers and I have seen his films. His political satire is the best and very cutting. But he didn’t appear to give any politician a free ticket. Or a free pass or maybe you could call it a free toll ticket. He was the biggest promoter of a free public transportation system. But I now can’t help but think what Ol’ Will would have to say about having his name up in lights not at the movies theater but up in lights in the middle of a big 30 foot green tollway sign. And you may know some tollways in Oklahoma. You are stopped every 20 miles or so to pay another toll. Now I can’t help but think about how Mr. Rogers would be impatiently chewing his gum faster and faster searching for change before and after each one of those damn toll gates. Now that’s funny! I’m sure he would be writing about it in his daily newspaper columns.

Rest in peace Will, there are plenty of other things named after you, like airports. Oh my god! I never thought of that! What would he be writing about airports nowadays? Now that’s even funnier to imagine!

Such is the life of John

There’s so much to talk about from the last few days! What can I say, do I need to repeat it all? I’d just as soon leave my mouth shut and thought a fool as open my mouth and remove all doubt. There may be other powerful men out there that probably should take that advice. But I’ve been told that I’m a powerful AND handsome man, so I can suggest that.

This is an era of self promotion. The implications are huge, HUGE.
Resumes will be written, diplomas and degrees proclaimed and accomplishments will be shamelessly exaggerated. You know, the typical corporate resume. The ones you read , shortly ponder and then realize they are as amplified and meaningless as the new slick suit and the red tie they are wearing.  Right to file 13. You guys…, I know you are only carrying your lunch in that briefcase.

I’m very soon getting out of this rat race, great phrase “rat race”, it’s really “Rat’s Ass”. We go to work 7:30 to 6:00, everyday (oh, you say E, you mean 9:00 to 5:00, heh, heh, 9 to 5, I’ll bet you liked “Madmen” , too. It hasn’t been an 8 hour day since, I’m thinking…., 1970-77. Yes, 1970’s, the last century, I think I remember that.

Of course, the computer age has really helped corporate America. Now your boss, subordinates (sorry, Reports), dispatchers, just about anybody in the company, can email, call and get a hold of you evenings, on Saturday and Sunday AND Holidays. We are very “handy” now. Just a message away. Wonderful, HUGE. Hey! , they can do that, they’re paying for the SmartPhone!

They say that I’m going to miss this when I retire. Ah.. just a minute, you mean, like the boil I once had on my butt. My ass never felt so good. I’ll miss work about in the same way.

I can do this. I only have a few more months in my sentence. Hell, I can do 2 or 3 months standing on my head. Just like the last Performance Review  I had to write about myself, I felt just like I was in the corner , standing on my head. I powered through it!

89 days 12 and a half hours to go. Now that will be HUGE!

E.

(Powerful AND handsome man ?? Where in the hell did that come from? OC)

 

 

 

 

 

A Joke

Posted: March 17, 2016 in free verse, Humor, poem, poet, poetry
Tags:

I have nothin and I don’t have much time . But I do have a Bar joke, a groaner perhaps.

A Priest, Rabbi and a pirate with a parrot on his shoulder come walking into a bar.

As soon as they walk into the door the bartender says,

“Hey you guys get out of here! What are you trying to do….turn this place into a joke?”

Have a fun day!
DSS

Since none other of John’s characters feel like contributing,  I will repost a few facts and thoughts about me, E, that were unknown until that time.

Saturday December 10, 2011

1) My pickup randomly does not start on the first turn of the key. Very unpredictable. It may start every time for a week and then out of nowhere it only clicks. I turn the ignition off and try again and it starts immediately. This makes me very insecure. I will be left stranded someday. Of course, it never fails to start for my mechanic.

2) I sometimes hear a humming in my house. No one else can or will ever hear it. It sounds like a fan running way far in the background. I can’t find where it is originating. Others are questioning my sanity.

3) I have a pain in my left lower abdomen. I have had multiple CT scans, x-rays and cardiac stress tests. No one can find or explain the cause. This makes me very insecure. I will be left stranded someday. Others question my sanity. If I had a tombstone and I won’t, it would say “told ya I was sick”.

4) I seldom go through fast food drive-through windows. On the few occasions that I have, randomly I get a sandwich with no meat patty in it. No one else that I talk to has ever had this happen. This makes stopping at a fast food place more interesting for me but it doesn’t entice me to go there more often.

5) I attract toddlers. When I fly commercially, I watch the door as passengers board, when a mother boards with one or more children I know exactly where they will be sitting. If the children are two or younger, directly beside me. If they are between the ages of three and seven, directly behind me so they have a comfortable place to kick their feet. This of course happens randomly, it makes that long walk down the aisle, mother, child and suitcase in tow, very suspenseful. This makes me very insecure.

6) In my experience of commercial flying I have sat next to three mothers nursing their infants. All at different times, of course. This makes me insecure, I worry where I should keep my eyes and I am amazed at how long it takes a small child to feed. But I feel that after the child goes to sleep the mother should remove the baby and button up. After a flight like that I question my own sanity.

7) I never change lines at the store check out counters. Every time, yes every time that I have changed to a shorter line, the customer ahead of me presents an out-of-town check, needs a refund or asks for a price check.

Somehow all of these unpredictable things as a whole give me a warm sense of knowledge, experience, calmness and insecurity. This I know.

E

I’m having less and less to say. With age comes sweet calmness and confidence. I’ve made my mark, the mark has been to only live to an older age each year, to get to a point where it is unnecessary to prove my worth.

From the time that I first retrieved an out of reach hammer for my father to save him a few steps, I was made aware of my worth. He said “Thank you Partner !”. Although I was four years old, I realized I was worthy to be on his job site. I was not just a kid stumbling over the two by fours, open trenches and avoiding backing cement trucks. I was now contributing to the effort. I was now the official tool, nail and board getter for the boss. His Go-fer! My first job! After work that afternoon, at a tavern that I can still recall the smell and the song playing on the juke-box, I received a Coke, a bag of peanuts and a thank you for my labor that day. Yes, I have literally worked for peanuts and I have worked for “Peanuts” pretty much every day since. Don’t we all? Like Pavlov’s dog, my mouth still waters at the sound of Patsy Cline, the smell of stale smoke and big bust bar maids. Basically, I’m still working for very similar rewards.

Oh, the peanuts do come in a much bigger bag now. I soon learned that my labor was worth more than just the memory of a smell, cold drink and a pretty song. But unfortunately the alarm clock each morning means time for work and at the sound of it my mouth stays a little dryer now. Most of my years since in order to get those rewards have involved government certifications, exams and yearly performance reviews. Just being there with the right tool at the right time hasn’t always been enough. Every year we are evaluated to prove our worth.

For more years than I care to count, I have worked. Perhaps since I was four years old, certainly since I was fourteen when I received my social security card and filled out my first 1040 tax form. There is now little reason for more certifications and I know the system well enough that a yearly performance review entails little more than copying last year’s, a phone call from the boss and if we are in the same city at the right time, a conversation over a nice meal. My days of having to prove my worth are coming to an end. Just performing my jobs well now will suffice.

I think I have finally reached my mark. It won’t be long that the Pavlov’s bell on the alarm clock will be put on snooze much more often. And the sound of it will really mean breakfast, the breakfasts that I have missed so many times in the past because my saliva was not anxious for bacon and eggs but for proving my worth at work. I’m almost there. But soon I will be getting back to gauging my worth by the chill of the Coke, the sound of the music and the pleasure of talking to beautiful big bust barmaids.

Such is the life of John.

Ok, how do I do it? I’ve been wide awake since 3:30AM. How do I get back to sleep?

I have never understood counting sheep. I try to think only good thoughts. But I do that all the time anyway. I may start thinking only bad thoughts, that may work. But I have enough nightmares that wake me up now. Although I don’t think that’s what woke me this morning.

Maybe I’m just not tired. But when I got up to pee, my joints and bones didn’t cooperate. I actually hobbled to the bathroom. I did not feel rested. Ok, now I remember, I woke up because I had to pee. That’s happening more and more lately. But I should be able to go back to sleep.

Damn, I wish for the old days when the only thing that woke me up was a boner.

Such is the life of John.

Well, another year begins. 2016, if this century could drive, it could get its driver’s license this year. It is at that awkward teenage time of life. Its male side is walking around with a perpetual boner and not really knowing what to do with it. And worst of all, centuries don’t have thumbs and can’t effectively do anything about it anyway. So we don’t know what kind of trouble it will be getting into compensating for either short coming. The female side of this teenage century feels like she is 21 and doesn’t understand that there are no older male centuries out there that she can relate to. She wants to move ahead and start acting like an adult, although she is not quite experienced enough to survive in it. Very frustrating century age for her to be. Tempers on both sides can flare!

As you can see, we living in this 21st century teenaged age are living in a very critical time. If either side of this 2016 age doesn’t get laid soon, we are going to be in a hell of a mess. Just look back through past century’s teenage years and it will scare the hell out of ya! Many cruel historical events happened in each century while in its teens.

So what’s it going to be, this 2016? Will our male side of the century continue blustering around overcompensating for its short dick by getting bigger guns, building for war and self-protection and pushing the downtrodden,  the poor and displaced. Or will it just calm down a bit, read some good books, learn how to drink, smoke a joint or maybe just get a magazine and grow some thumbs. Get rid of some of that testosterone. Chill for Christ’s sake! You are only 2016!

And the same for the 2016 teenage century girl side. Trust what your 20th century mother has told you. Your mind will grow into your lovely new 21st century body. The man side will soon see more in you than just sex. There is time for you to make a huge mark in the world. This will be your century. Just enjoy your youth and don’t try to grow up so fast. But learn to compete with the male and female assholes! You are only 2016!

I’m sorry I have to talk to you this way so early in the year, 2016. But it is a very critical age you are living and lots of people are depending on you. So take your old Uncle ShipSmoke’s advice, and try to play nice this year, calm down, take a breath. I’m getting old, my bones hurt and I need the rest. But try to shut the fuck up and enjoy your time here!

DSS

(Thanks DSS! , E or OC couldn’t have said this any better themselves.  John)

Seriously

Posted: October 19, 2015 in free verse, Humor, love, poem
Tags: ,

The other day I was walking along, minding my own business and came upon a small smooth stone.
A very interesting looking piece of agate
It felt like velvet to touch
Really!
It had to have been washed by millennia of running water
I couldn’t keep my fingers off of it
It seemed to sooth my soul as I felt it
All day I reached in my pocket and caressed that beautiful little stone
All through lunch I just stared at it
rolling it in my fingers
It seemed so out-of-place here in Kansas
surely it had a more romantic origin
I imagined it as being from a tropical island
I had heard of similar things being found
I decided to call my new prize possession
My little Hawaiian Love Stone
That evening I showed the Stone to my wife
and told her of its new name and soothing properties
She said “Yes, a Hawaiian Love Stone, you do know what they call them here in Kansas don’t you?”
“No, what?”
” A fucking rock”.

E.

The Name John

Posted: October 14, 2015 in Humor, story, writing
Tags: , , ,

distantshipsmoke says this on my friend Carolyn’s blog in reference to a link that describes what a person’s name means.

Ha! I’m a man with three names. I won’t look at the link, but I will tell you what this John’s name means:
 Determined, kind to everyone, I would rather fish than do dishes. Seldom does either. Not a leader nor a follower, tries to be a loner but is drawn to others. Witt that no one understands, If you are named John, it was probably after a relative, a grandfather, an uncle or a cousin twice removed that was a preacher.
I’m serious 😐 😉  DSS”

I’ve been thinking more about that since my quick reply to Carolyn. And have a few more things to add to the  “John” definition.

I’m sure in one of the books of names “John” has meant “shepherd of sheep” because I have had many days in my professional life when I truly wished I had chosen “shepherd” as my occupation, but it probably would have been called “sheep herder”. Or in the local newspaper under court proceedings, lover of sheep. I’m sure the shepherd business has its complications, too. They say it gets very lonely out there in the hills.

But seriously, now I’m really serious, if I’d been lying, I would have said “But honestly”. But seriously, can a name define us or is a name defined by us? As an extreme example, I’m sure that in 1930 the name “Hitler” had a different meaning than it has since the 1940’s. There are dozens of examples of the man or woman that has defined the name. Take the name “Sonny and Cher”, it has a whole different meaning now than it did before 1964. Any other couple that I knew before that with that name didn’t sing, they were just the Blandino twins living just down the street. Another very good example, “Pink Floyd”. before 1967, Pink Floyd was just your red headed nicknamed neighbor living just down the street. (I had a very funny neighborhood ,that Vine street, and didn’t realize it at the time.) The list goes on where the man / woman defined the future meaning of a name.

If you wonder why I bring this up, I’ll explain.

Take my wife’s and my name. Please! I was named John in April 1951, my wife was named Marcia, with a “cia” in 1950. How would our parents have known that in late 1951, Stan Freberg, an ad writer and comedian who had a huge hit in 1951 with a recorded single, “John & Marsha,” a “soap opera parody in which two people seduce each other with the words “John” and “Marsha” over and over to organ music.” And the Stan Freberg name suffered no such recognition. The bastard! Why didn’t he make a recording of “Stan & Mary” ? But noooo, John and Marsha with a “sha” and my wife with the added discomfort of having to correct everyone that when they read it now pronounces her name “Mar see aa” and spells it with the “sha”. It stinks I tell ya!! Honestly.

I hadn’t heard the “John..Marsha” thing for years and I thought it had finally ran out of popularity until the series “Madmen” brought it up again last year. The bastards!

Such is the life of John, Sheep Herder