Random Thoughts and Facts

Since none other of John’s characters feel like contributing,  I will repost a few facts and thoughts about me, E, that were unknown until that time.

Saturday December 10, 2011

1) My pickup randomly does not start on the first turn of the key. Very unpredictable. It may start every time for a week and then out of nowhere it only clicks. I turn the ignition off and try again and it starts immediately. This makes me very insecure. I will be left stranded someday. Of course, it never fails to start for my mechanic.

2) I sometimes hear a humming in my house. No one else can or will ever hear it. It sounds like a fan running way far in the background. I can’t find where it is originating. Others are questioning my sanity.

3) I have a pain in my left lower abdomen. I have had multiple CT scans, x-rays and cardiac stress tests. No one can find or explain the cause. This makes me very insecure. I will be left stranded someday. Others question my sanity. If I had a tombstone and I won’t, it would say “told ya I was sick”.

4) I seldom go through fast food drive-through windows. On the few occasions that I have, randomly I get a sandwich with no meat patty in it. No one else that I talk to has ever had this happen. This makes stopping at a fast food place more interesting for me but it doesn’t entice me to go there more often.

5) I attract toddlers. When I fly commercially, I watch the door as passengers board, when a mother boards with one or more children I know exactly where they will be sitting. If the children are two or younger, directly beside me. If they are between the ages of three and seven, directly behind me so they have a comfortable place to kick their feet. This of course happens randomly, it makes that long walk down the aisle, mother, child and suitcase in tow, very suspenseful. This makes me very insecure.

6) In my experience of commercial flying I have sat next to three mothers nursing their infants. All at different times, of course. This makes me insecure, I worry where I should keep my eyes and I am amazed at how long it takes a small child to feed. But I feel that after the child goes to sleep the mother should remove the baby and button up. After a flight like that I question my own sanity.

7) I never change lines at the store check out counters. Every time, yes every time that I have changed to a shorter line, the customer ahead of me presents an out-of-town check, needs a refund or asks for a price check.

Somehow all of these unpredictable things as a whole give me a warm sense of knowledge, experience, calmness and insecurity. This I know.

E

Lack Of

What does it take to spur the mind into action translate the thoughts the feelings the visions into words How many feelings lost, thoughts forgotten, visions faded for lack of words or a phrase written or spewed. The orgasmic failure to perform. Not reaching climax Just short of satisfaction Only letters formed but still a blank page. DSS

The Fear of Love

The wandering fear of love
the should I ask
the should I smile
don’t walk past
or send a note
What to say
how to act
Search the crowd
count the seats
The nod hello as you pass
a smile a glance
that is all it takes
to erase the fear
and take a chance
of love.

DSS

The Worth

I’m having less and less to say. With age comes sweet calmness and confidence. I’ve made my mark, the mark has been to only live to an older age each year, to get to a point where it is unnecessary to prove my worth.

From the time that I first retrieved an out of reach hammer for my father to save him a few steps, I was made aware of my worth. He said “Thank you Partner !”. Although I was four years old, I realized I was worthy to be on his job site. I was not just a kid stumbling over the two by fours, open trenches and avoiding backing cement trucks. I was now contributing to the effort. I was now the official tool, nail and board getter for the boss. His Go-fer! My first job! After work that afternoon, at a tavern that I can still recall the smell and the song playing on the juke-box, I received a Coke, a bag of peanuts and a thank you for my labor that day. Yes, I have literally worked for peanuts and I have worked for “Peanuts” pretty much every day since. Don’t we all? Like Pavlov’s dog, my mouth still waters at the sound of Patsy Cline, the smell of stale smoke and big bust bar maids. Basically, I’m still working for very similar rewards.

Oh, the peanuts do come in a much bigger bag now. I soon learned that my labor was worth more than just the memory of a smell, cold drink and a pretty song. But unfortunately the alarm clock each morning means time for work and at the sound of it my mouth stays a little dryer now. Most of my years since in order to get those rewards have involved government certifications, exams and yearly performance reviews. Just being there with the right tool at the right time hasn’t always been enough. Every year we are evaluated to prove our worth.

For more years than I care to count, I have worked. Perhaps since I was four years old, certainly since I was fourteen when I received my social security card and filled out my first 1040 tax form. There is now little reason for more certifications and I know the system well enough that a yearly performance review entails little more than copying last year’s, a phone call from the boss and if we are in the same city at the right time, a conversation over a nice meal. My days of having to prove my worth are coming to an end. Just performing my jobs well now will suffice.

I think I have finally reached my mark. It won’t be long that the Pavlov’s bell on the alarm clock will be put on snooze much more often. And the sound of it will really mean breakfast, the breakfasts that I have missed so many times in the past because my saliva was not anxious for bacon and eggs but for proving my worth at work. I’m almost there. But soon I will be getting back to gauging my worth by the chill of the Coke, the sound of the music and the pleasure of talking to beautiful big bust barmaids.

Such is the life of John.

10 Minutes

I’m very late this morning

so I will just see

how much I can write

in 10 minutes . . . . . . .  . . .

times up!

Damn!

OC